He said things. Things that made me think. Things that made me worry. Things like,”I think it’s really going to happen this time.” Which was not really a surprise, but it was to hear him say it. I’m scared for him. I don’t want him to lose everything he’s worked so hard for. I don’t want him to lose the people he loves. Granted he’s not there a lot, but he does love them. His face lights up when he talks about them. I care for him so deeply. I want him to be happy. I want to be part of that happiness. I hope I’m not a pawn in getting happiness with that situation. I hope I’m not being used to get something out of that situation that he’s not really going to get. I mean we wouldn’t be in our situation if he was getting what he needed from that. I’m scared of being used as a catalyst for something else. Because I’ve been there before and it hurts like fuck. I don’t want to feel that again. He said he missed me. He said he’s been craving me and that he cares for me. Says he can’t wait to see me. I want to believe him, but my mind and my past keep me from it. They pull the rug out from under me with stark facts and experience. People always say not to judge your current relationship by your past. But that’s kind of ridiculous to me. How can you not when it’s all you’ve known? And I’m sorry that I need him to prove it to me. I pray and hope I’m wrong. Because this feels so right.